Sunday, July 24, 2011

I laid in my bed last night a very conflicted person.  It is almost an insurmountable task to ask someone who's greatest insecurity is his inability to trust, to take the most wicked and cruel coincidences and just chalk it up to dumb luck, or lackthereof.  My mind, as strong as it can be, still has to account for the scars left on my heart.  There's a guilt that doesn't go away.  There's a point where instinct takes over,  and no matter what you try to do, your mind wanders.  I was filled with insecurity.  Is this a game?  Am I being played masterfully?  I tend to believe that people are naturally not that cruel, but I remind myself that I have proven this theory wrong time and again, the hard way.  Hence... the scars. 

I laid in bed, hurting.  I don't want to wonder.  I need to know if this is real, because I certainly feel something in places that have been dormant for years.  I tossed and turned, sleeping in ten minute increments, and laying awake for hours at a time.  I finally checked my phone, again, to see if perhaps I missed a text, a call... anything.  It was 633 in the morning.  Once again, without knowing it, she had kept me up until the morning hours.  I couldn't help but smile.  So I got up from my bed, after all, there was no point in being there anymore.  

I drove to the gym and started lifting weights.  I had enough energy to finally complete the level of weights I had been working on for the past month.  Every last rep.  So I got in my car, heart still heavy, at 747 in the morning and immediately knew where I had to go.  I took 75 to Sheridan and drove east.  I listented to my newly purchased Radiohead album and once I hit US1, I sparked what was left of the last jay that was rolled up for the concert last weekend.  I was back in paradise.  I parked, applied what was left of the sunscreen in my car, took my shoes off and began to walk on the warm asphalt towards the boardwalk.  It's an amazing scene... a dark passage whose skies are covered by tall seagrape trees... yet, as you make your way to the end of the boardwalk, you're welcomed by a palm tree, almost perfectly placed.  And then, there it is... the blinding reflection of the sun kissing the vast ocean.  It's amazing, no matter how early it was, the sun immediately warmed my skin.  As I descended onto the sand, I was listening to Adele.  I stretched, knowing two things.  Firstly, I had to leave all of the negative energy behind... this is my paradise... this is where I come to take care of myself.  The second, and only other rule, is that I would push myself harder than the last day.  You show up, you give your best... no regrets.  It's in this simple process where I sought the sort of clarity I needed for the moment.  

This was the first time I made it to the pier without stopping to walk.  The sand was softer than usual, since it had rained earlier.  This made it much more difficult, and yet, there I was, at the pier.  I paced back and forth, thinking of her inbetween every breath I took.  I can't deny how much I care for her, how much I want to know more.  I kept pacing, trying to keep the blood flowing... knowing that it's a long walk back.  Thing is, there would be no walking back this morning.  

The pain I felt in my calves and shins were nothing compared to the emptiness I felt from not making tangible something I had worked myself over all week.  So I ran back.  This was my novacaine.  Every time I felt like stopping, I begged that man that wanted to give in to just keep going a little further.  Please don't be afraid to surprise yourself Moises.  In the beginning, you said that you were here to be a better man than you were yesterday.  And so I kept going.  It was here when I had a sort of epiphany.  

There are two things that can come out of this.  One of them is that you will lie to me, or walk away from me, and break my heart.  I can live with that.  I am strong enough to move forward from that, because you're the one that would have to live with that.  The other thing that can happen is to trust what you're telling me.  Because to put it simply, I really like you, and if you like me, that's all I need to know.  I'm here.  I'm in.  I'm down.  All these things keeping us apart are nothing... they are less than nothing.  I want you.  That's what I was doing at the beach.  You show up, you put yourself out there and you give your all and leave no regrets.  Nobody said this was going to be easy.  I can handle difficult, but I need to know that you're there too.  That's all I need.  I need you to talk to me, communicate with me.  I know this sucks right now, but it can be made better if we both want to.  So as the sweat rolled down my skin, and my pace sped up as I neared my starting point, I was deciding that the only way that I will walk away from you is if you ask me to, or if you tell me you don't want me, you don't want this.  But I can't walk away from what I feel... I deserve to know what's there.  

I left the beach and started walking back to my car.  I was almost certain that there would be a text from you at some point... but there wasn't.  I drove back home, showered, cleaned up a bit... anything to kill time until I heard from you.  I cooked, watched television, listened to music.  I even took a nap.  An hour later I was awake.  It was only 3 in the afternoon. 

So here's what I think.  Late exes, falling asleep, accidents, lost phones, flat tires... it's a lot to take in.  But it doesn't even begin to take away from what I see in you.  If you say you want to see what's there, you should know I feel the same.  I'm here for the long haul, I believe you're worth it.  I just need you to reassure me that you're here... and you're in.  But if you're not, I will interpret your silence as your answer.  Please don't be afraid of me.  I can't make this work by myself.

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